the pills are helping. thank you God, I can see through my own eyes again. it’s been a black-hole sort of month, I am finding things I have no recollection of. I don’t know the girl who has been standing in my shoes. I am relearning to claim my body as my own. I’m so sorry to my own mind, I pushed myself off a cliff in the dark and the fall affected my memory. I am still in pieces. But I’m here, I’m here and I’m starting to feel it. these are my hands on the keys, these words are coming from me. the pills are working,
oh God I am so relieved
sometimes I still don’t think I was sick enough (a high from the bones cutting through my skin)
I don’t want to survive/I want the cure.
“I’d rather not remember.” when I watched and did not live. tattooing my own skin with ‘something’s wrong’. my eyes should not stutter, the room should not change, I am forever closing my fists around yesterday’s mirage. I’m left staring at gaping holes in my memories, like the moths cared more than I did. face pressed against the glass,
I am here but I cannot feel it.
I hate how you stop in the hallway, step back against the wall and turn your head away when you see me coming, as though I were the queen and you were a beggar on the street. pull me off the damn pedestal, I cannot stand your heights. you watch me and breathe apologies, like your life is nothing in the light of mine. I can’t, I can’t I can’t. every time you say you’re sorry, an angry beast inside my chest rears his head. if you think you are nothing, I will start to believe it. I have no time for someone who slips a needle in my skin while I sleep, you are forever on your deathbed and I am your depleting I.V.
let go of me.
it took one year to hit rock bottom, and another year to keep from falling any further. I didn’t believe in too-late, until I wanted to wash my hands clean of this and there wasn’t enough iron in my body to stop my knuckles from blackening. I stopped wanting to hurt right when the pain hit. I can’t even get off the floor, so riddled with what I’m trying to forget.